I CAN HEAR GOD
"In world news, while Geologists have been hard at work determining the origin of the recent disaster, in a surprising turn of events, the most unlikely of people found the source. A Psychologist. Bige Timere, who specializes in internet subcultures, has located the source through extensive internet research. An internet message board known as "3.8Mustang.com" has finally been linked to the earthquake in Haiti. It all began with a member, who goes by the name "Kurisu", meeting her boyfriend through the automotive enthusiast website.
"When I first found the source, I didn't know if I had struck gold, or if it was another dead end. When I ventured into the "Post a Pic of yourself" thread, I realized I had done it. I had figured out the source". says Timere.
What he located was a picture of "Kurisu", a 21 year old fat weeaboo from BFE. But how could this manatee create such a commotion in a country far away from where she was located? The second part of the riddle landed on "MySteed", her current boyfriend. Coming off a strenuous relationship with another member, MySteed came into contact with Kurisu through the forums daily threads - A place where the less interesting members converse.
"When I first saw her posts, I sank into a deep depression. Thoughts of suicide, malice, hatred. I felt as if I had stumbled across the One Ring". says Timere.
The pieces began to fall into place. But how they caused the earthquake was yet to be determined, until Timere began digging deeper.
"I went to her LiveJournal, and saw that she enjoyed riding reverse cowgirl", he says.
Calling the National Geological Survey Insitute, Timere informed them of his find. A team was immediately sent to BFE to investigate the anomaly. "Plugging the weight/height ratio of the anomaly into our computers, we found that under the right cirumstances, she was theoretically capable of producing earthquakes of an 8.2 magnitude", states the NGSI in a released statement.